I am a single parent who has been using positive discipline throughout my daughter's entire (almost 3 years of) life.  My daughter even goes to a preschool that uses only positive discipline, and I have been very satisfied with the amazing individual she has become, and is still blossoming into.  She is the most amazing, loving, thoughtful and gifted child I know. (We all have a slight bias toward our own children). 

 

Anyway, my question is about taking time to myself.  My daughter and I communicate well, but when we get to a moment where things could turn into a power struggle, I get a little lost.  I know that in some ways she is experimenting with what my reactions will be, and I know also that she is just doing what seems right to her.  The problem comes when I feel the need to take a time-out for myself. (I call it taking a break and it's usually because I'm feeling frustrated.) By me leaving the situation, my daughter feels sad.  I fear this turning into a kind of control on my part to gain her attention (which it hasn't yet, thank goodness).  It just seems that she does not want me to take a break, and it hurts her feelings when I do so.  She starts crying so hard that I have to remind her to breathe.  At the same time, I only try to take a break when I know that I need to walk away so that I can think about the situation and cool off a bit.

 

If you have any suggestions that could help, they would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for your time,

Sunshine

Answer:

 

Dear Sunshine,

 

I am Laurie Prusso.   I have six sons, 12 grandkids, and teach child development at a local community college. I am happy to respond to your sincere request for help.

 

How exciting that your child can attend a school that practices the same discipline that you do at home.   You demonstrate in your letter that you are familiar with Positive Discipline principles and tools. Even with all the tools in the world, parents will still become frustrated with kids. I know I did. I feel your frustration. There is always a balancing act between parental guidance and control and empowering our children.

 

One thing we can do as parents is to expand our bag of tools. When we recognize the role of belonging and significance in our children's lives, it helps us approach things differently.   You have indicated that you only remove your self when you are really frustrated, but your daughter's perception of your adult time-outs might be different. She may feel rejected and alone when you walk away, even if you explain to her what you are doing.   You also indicate that you think this might be leading to some power issues with her, so it will be good to find something else to do. Let's look at some additional options for you to try.

 

One thing you might do is keep a journal for a couple of weeks recording the times that you become frustrated.   Try to identify the triggers, the precursors, and your range of emotions. It might be that frustrated isn't really the feeling that is present.   You might explore other times when you feel the same way and consider what is beneath these feelings and your reasons for choosing them.

 

Additional tools to use might include a sense of humor; you can choose to laugh.   When you and your daughter are engaging in the exchanges that your question refers to, can you step back and see from a different position and embrace it?   This will be easier to do if you keep in mind that three-year-olds love to engage, get their way, and say "No" a lot. This stage will pass and you will have established a great way for the two of you to deal with conflict, if you can apply humor to the situation.

 

Another tool you may try is to empower her to solve it.   You could say, "You really want to . . . . How can you do it?   What would you need?

 

Another tool is to simply let her have her feelings, and be upset if that is her choice, but decide that it is HER problem and not yours.   I know that sometimes I would become upset because my kids would nag, cry, and be persistent when I said no. I became frustrated when they were.   It is a big relief to decide that it is just fine for them to cry and throw a fit when they don't get their way. Then I could just validate their disappointment once and continue doing what I was doing. I think that this was the most liberating lesson for me to learn.

 

What I learned is that I had believed it wasn't okay for my kids to be unhappy or angry or upset when things didn't go their way.   I wanted them to be happy with my decision or direction and smile and do what I said without talking back (having an opinion of their own), or arguing (trying to stand up for themselves).   This was pretty unrealistic and when I learned that, and realized that their crying, fits, or anger—even talking back, was the appropriate response to their disappointment, I was able to let it go. I now realize that I was helping them to learn resiliency—that they could survive disappointments, even though it wasn't easy. After we calmed down, it was then my job to teach them respectful ways to express their disappointment and anger—an ongoing task of parenting.

 

Have you helped your daughter create her own special place for some positive time-out? You might let her help you create yours—even if it is nothing more than a chair where you can sit and read for a few minutes. Then you could both practice going to these places when you are both feeling good. You could both have a time, decide to set it for one minute the first time, and then come out when the timer dings. Later you could both try two-minutes.

 

If none of the suggestions about time out are effective, keep in mind that at three-years-old, she may not be developmentally ready for even positive time-out. Try again when she is four.

 

In closing, I congratulate you for finding a parenting style that will support you and your child throughout the growing years.   You will have many opportunities for personal growth as you continue to ask questions and seek the answers that will work for you. Have fun!   Take the pressure off youself and your child by recognizing her developmental stages and knowing that life will keep changing for both of you. Have a good laugh with her whenever you can.

 

If you haven't already, you might want to get Jane Nelsen's newsletter and blog at www.positivediscipline.com . It will have ideas for situations like yours, and let you see how other parents are dealing with their kids as well.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Laurie