Forgetful and
Doesn't Get Things Done
Question:
My daughter is 8 yrs old. She is smart, intelligent and has the ability to grasp things very quickly. She is very kind and caring. She is the oldest, with two younger brothers. One is a baby. She loves him to death. However she cannot seem to get things done on time. Always forgets every thing. Forgets all the rules in the house. Doesn't clean up after herself. And if we ask her why she does these things ... her classic answer is always I DONT KNOW. Please help me. She joined a private school this year, so this is new to her. Most kids in her class are very smart as well. She also feels "stupid" asking questions to her teacher. Please HELP !!!!!
Dear Help,
My name is Eryn Rodger and I am part of the team that answers questions for the Positive Discipline Association. Professionally, I facilitate Positive Discipline classes for parents and other caregivers and run an after-school program. Most importantly, I am the mother of three children, ages 9, 7 and 2.
First of all, what you are experiencing with your daughter is completely normal and understandable given the circumstances. Although a new baby and a new school are very exciting, and your daughter no doubt loves her brother and is intelligent and capable, either of these new situations on their own can be stressful. Both at the same time may be doubly so.
Human beings crave belonging and significance, and sometimes go about getting it in ways that are not very useful. Your daughter's behavior, whether it's keeping you busy with her, creating power struggles, or even getting even with you, is her way of letting you know what she needs to re-establish her sense of belonging and significance in the new family and school dynamics. Regularly scheduled special time – time set aside for your daughter alone – will alleviate many problems. Special time doesn't have to be long or eventful: ten minutes every day being the focus of mom's attention might do the trick.
It sounds like you are attempting to understand the belief behind the behavior; that's wonderful. You are not alone in getting the "I don't know" response when you ask her why this is happening! The truth is, she really may not know or be able to articulate why she is behaving the way she is. Instead of asking" why", try asking her questions that begin with "what" or "how" (curiosity questions): for example, "What is your plan for getting your school work done?" or "How are you feeling about your new school?" "What" and "how" questions often elicit a response that is meaningful and helpful, and set the stage for potential problem-solving discussions. You can also guess about how she might be feeling: "I know how much you love your baby brother. Are you also feeling hurt about not getting as much of my attention?" Making it safe for your daughter to share her feelings can help you both get clarity on the belief behind the behavior and how she can get her needs met in a useful, respectful way.
Lastly, routines are key for any busy family. Routines, whether they are morning routines, after-school routines, meal-time routines or bedtime routines, clearly outline what needs to get done and when, and takes grown-ups out of the boss or nag role. Sitting down with your daughter and coming up with routine charts together will help her feel capable, more organized, and independent. Then, when she forgets something, you can let the routine chart be the boss: "What does your routine chart say you need to do right now?" or "Where on your after-school routine are you now, homework or clean-up?"
Remember to take time to care for yourself in all of this; filling your own cup will always help with the patience, love and understanding it takes to help a child through any of life's many transitions and periods of adjustment. I encourage you to read any of the Positive Discipline books for more tools and inspirations to help you on your parenting journey. Best of luck!
Very Truly Yours,